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My Dearest Fetus

My Dearest Fetus,

Let me start off by saying what a pleasure it has been conceiving you. You will never know the details of course, but you were conceived by people who love each other very much and are gearing up to love you even more.

Now that we are more acquainted, getting past the awkward first five months, I feel that I can candidly speak to you about how you have changed my life since you took up residence in my womb. I figured what better way tell you about them than through your first letter.  

There has been a serious tumultuous shift in my world after one little stick stated that you are on your way – . It started with waves of random nausea, followed by the gradual morphing of my body from a respectable size 1 to an awkward blob.  Finally the icing on this multi-layered cake are the famous mood swings.  I would like to take this opportunity to let my family and friends know that silent patronizing glances as a response to my, yes I’ll say it, ‘outbursts’ are completely unnecessary-lets try saying I’m sorry instead.

My intent is not to mope, but since we are on the subject I miss smoking, I miss drinking and I miss partying. My hectic weekends have been replaced by endless homemade facials, looking at online maternity stores, TV show marathons and never-ending food festivals. I am told, however, that you are totally worth it so you better live up to the hype darling.

My childless friends look at me like they are not ready for this betrayal. My friends with children behave like smug amateur oracles, as if they can see me in the future with poop in my hair and leaking breasts, running around frantically as I try to work out why this tiny new addition in my life keeps crying.

I am happy to announce that I have been inducted into the, oh so mysterious circle of ‘the new age mothers’. I can’t wait to be throwing in stories of birth, latest infant research, organic foods, and finally understanding what they are talking about. Yup-I will be talking baby! Very quietly and discreetly, I am being trained to be one of them.

Apparently the world has been waiting for me to get knocked up so I can be bombarded with all sorts of information – from pregnancy food to body changes to baby brands.  The ‘what to do’s’, ‘who to listen to’ and ‘what to read’ started before I could say ‘baby’. The fact that half the time I am not listening is another matter entirely. It’s like that French test, where your brain is just not ready to memorize French prepositions, so you start slacking off, all the while knowing that you will panic later.

I am not sure if the ‘Preggers’, I have seen around, were just pretending to be calm, or actually knew what they were doing – I really don’t!  I have come to realize that playing ostrich (a big, fat pregnant one at that!) rather than confronting my fears about motherhood is working wonders so far.

It’s not that I am not happy that you are on your way-I am just not sappy.  I don’t get a surge of ‘awwws’ looking at baby clothes and I don’t fantasize about what we are going to do when you join us. In fact I would even go as far as to say that there is a serious lack of candy floss, frills and heart-filled mama warmth. Perhaps, I need to see you for that!

However, something about the way you wave to me in the ultrasounds tells me that you will be an awesome addition to my life and will somehow ensure that nothing else matters but your health and happiness-who cares if I don’t know what I am doing.

See you soon my little fetus-maybe I should start calling you baby.


You can call me Mum


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Contributed by Madame Foxtrot

Madame Foxtrot is a hip mama-to-be who lives, writes and watches her belly grow in Dubai, UAE. She brings her candid perspectives and wry sense of humor to Bright Babyhood, writing honestly about her apprehensions and fears about becoming a parent.

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